My Name Is Anakin
by Mr. Chaos
Summary: When karma bites Anakin Skywalker on the butt, he realizes he must make up all the bad things he's ever done to have a chance at happiness. From the creator of "The Death Star: An Imperial Workplace". A "My Name is Earl" parody
1. Episode I The Pilot

'You know that guy you see outside that little hut…the shifty looking guy that is smoking death sticks at 9 am and you just k

'You know that guy you see outside that little hut…the shifty looking guy that is smoking death sticks at 9 am and you just know he could kill a bunch of 7 year olds without blinking. The guy that you think that maybe…if you got to know me…you'd find out that I'm really not that bad of a guy? Well…you are an idiot. Because I am just as bad as you think I am.

'Hi…my name is Anakin.'

&

2 years before the Fall of the Republic

Anakin groaned, pulling the dark haired woman he was with over to the wall of the Dex's Diner, trying to make out with her and drink his blue milk at the same time.

'About 3 years ago, I was out drinking when I ran into this firecracker.'

Anakin smiled stupidly. "Your ass got smaller, Sabe."

'That was not Sabe.'

"My name is Padme." The senator managed to get out, half wasted herself.

"…you got a huge ass, Padme."

Padme grinned. "Why thank you!"

'She kept buying me drinks and later that night, we got married. Now, you might think getting so drunk that you marry the most annoying woman in the galaxy would be a reason to stop drinking. I thought it was a great reason to keep drinking.'

&

1 year before the Fall of the Republic

Padme whimpered, the droids murmuring as they helped her as best they could.

'It wasn't long before we decided that it was time to have some children of our own.'

Anakin stepped forward to accept the little bundles the droid had delivered.

'There they were…'

Anakin quirked an eyebrow, staring at Padme, who blushed a bright red, then back down at the two very clearly black children, the boy bald and the girl with two afros, one on each side of her head.

'There they were…Luke and Leia'

&

Anakin sat in his room at the temple, Padme trying to iron his shirts while Luke and Leia crawled about the floor.

'Some people may wonder why I stayed with a cheating wife and 2 little brats that weren't even mind. Well, I know just as many people wonder why Padme stayed with a jerkass Jedi who had to hide his marriage from anyone.'

Anakin looked up. "Obi-Wan's coming."

Padme grumbled as she ducked down behind a counter, Anakin shoving Luke and Leia under the couch.

"Hello there." Obi Wan said, looking around. "Did I hear babies in here?"

"Nope." Anakin said.

"Squee!" Leia let out.

Anakin tapped his chest with his fist. "er…excuse me."

&

'Yea, life was good. But then the Emperor came to me with a deal: Join the dark side, and I would get all the money and power I could want. I was on easy street…until…'

&

"I HATE YOU!" Anakin screamed at Obi Wan as the Jedi Master left his friend and former Padawan to die at the bed of a lava river.

&

'I awoke in a medical center several weeks later. At first, I thought the Emperor had saved me and brought me here. Turns out I was half right. The Emperor had brought me here, but then he'd been captured by Obi Wan. Turns out my old master realized that maybe the reason Yoda lost to Palpatine was because Yoda was 800 years old. When Palpatine fought someone young, it turned out he wasn't that good at all.'

&

Anakin groaned, half doped up from the morphine. He stared up at the ceiling, his entire body encased in bandages.

"Hey hubby!" Padme said happily, skipping in.

"Hi Padme." Anakin said lazily.

"HEY ANAKIN!"

Anakin blinked. "Mace…Mace Windu?"

"HOW'S IT GOING, ANAKIN?"

"Why are you shouting, Mace?"

"I AIN'T SHOUTING! WHEN YOU AND THE EMPEROR THREW ME OUT THAT WINDOW, IT DAMAGED MY VOCAL CORDS! THIS IS HOW I TALK NOW!"

"Oh…sorry Mace."

"NO PROBLEM ANAKIN!"

Padme handed Anakin a legal document. "Hey, could you do me a favorite and sign this little piece of paper for me?"

"Sure…" Anakin said, eyes glazed over. "Anakin…J…Skywalker…"

Padme grinned. "Thanks. Oh, by the way, you need to come get your stuff. Mace is moving in with me…I think we might even get married."

"But…we're married." Anakin argued.

"Not anymore." She tapped the papers. "It's for the best…Luke and Leia should be with their daddy." She patted Anakin on the head, the former Jedi screaming in pain. "Bye Anakin."

"BYE ANAKIN!" Mace said.

&

'Now, I've never been a complainer…but laying there, burnt to a crisp and with no arms and legs…with no home or wife…and shunned by the galaxy…I might have cried if I weren't afraid of someone seeing me.

'But then it happened. I was flipping through the channels when I say…it.'

Up on the television screen, Anakin watched as Max Rebo, the blue elephant-like alien, was interviewed by some reporter.

"Max…you have millions of dollars, several girlfriends, and no one has ever called you an emo Jedi-bitch…what is your secret."

Max shrugged. "I believe that if you do good things, good things will happen…you know…karma."

'There it was…Karma. More than the force, more than any belief taught to me by the Jedi…there was something I could hang my hat upon…passed to me through Max Rebo's nose/mouth to my burnt off ears.'

&

Anakin sighed as he sat on the hard sandstone bench inside moisture farm, a pad of paper in his hand.

'When I was able to get out of the hospital, I moved in with my stepbrother Owen. Good guy…'

"Anakin…oh God, Anakin…there is someone watching me threw the window in the bathroom…"

"That's a mirror, Owen."

'…just a bit slow.'

"What are you working on?" Owen asked, peering over Anakin's shoulder.

"A list."

"Of what?"

"A list of every bad thing I've ever done."

Owen nodded. "Like when you liberated that planet of puppies from that evil overlord?"

"That was a good thing, Owen." Anakin said.

"Not for the overlord…you should add that to the list."

Anakin considered this. "I'll think about it."

"Why are you doing that?" Owen asked, sitting down next to him.

Anakin sighed. "Owen, look at me. I'm a 22 year old with mommy issues whose wife left him for the head of the Jedi council, I have none of my natural limbs, and my body is still healing from getting a lava bath. If I didn't have my lush hair, I'd kill myself." He stood up, pacing. "I realized in that hospital that I haven't done nearly the amount of good things I wanted to. If I had, maybe I wouldn't have such a crappy life. If I want things to get better, I need to be better." He tossed the list to Owen. "I mean, just read all this!"

Owen nodded, unfolding the paper as Anakin headed out of the domed house. "Number 23…peed in the back of a clone shuttle."

"I'm no longer proud of that." Anakin said.

"Number 41…snatched some Jawas candy when he came to our slave quarters Trick-or-Treating."

"I understand that that was bad."

"Number 102-harmed or even killed people with second hand death stick smoke." Owen threw up his hands. "Now how the hell are you going to fix al this stuff?"

"I don't know…I'll start on the easy ones…like this one, number 64."

"Picked on Greedo? How are we going to even find Greedo…hell, how are we even going to manage."

"What do you mean?"

"Anakin…I farm for moisture on a desert planet…that's like trying to find a Kenny G album that doesn't suck. I barely make enough to keep the family in blue milk…and with you living here…how are we…"

"Anakin, Anakin Skywalker?" A droid asked as he rolled up to the door.

"Yes?"

"I am 7Y-T4D, of the messenger service Deus, Ex, and Machina. I am here to deliver to you this check for 100,000 credits…your paycheck from the Empire. Seeing as the Empire no longer exists, this will be your only check. Also, I am going to blow myself up just so no one can question where the money came from."

The droid then exploded.

"…that was easy."

&

'I decided I want to make things up to Greedo as soon as possible, to ensure my life got better. It already was getting better…I'd managed to buy a sweet speeder, and Owen convinced his friend Beru to join us.'

Owen sat in the back of the speeder, downing blue milk as fast as he could. Beru sat next to him, watching him go.

"Is that where Greedo lives?" She asked.

"Nah." Anakin said. "Greedo moved away, that's his parent's house. Owen will figure it out though." Anakin snatched the blue milk from Owen's hand.

"Hey!"

"That's 3. You can have more when you find out Greedo's address."

Beru frowned. "Why 3?" She questioned as Owen walked towards the home.

"Owen lies best when he's had three blue milks. Anymore and he tends to get a bit…crazy." Anakin wiggled his eyebrows. "Now then, since we ditched him…lets make with the kissing."

"What?" Beru exclaimed. "Anakin…Owen is my husband."

"But…I called dibs."

"We…are…married…"

"Did he call dibs?"

Beru sighed. "no." She grumbled, pulling off her shirt.

&

Inside the house, Owen smiled happily as Greedo's parents talked with him.

"So you are collecting stories for a book on Mos Espa?" Greedo's mother asked. "How nice…I'll get his address for you."

"I would be so thankful if you would." Owen said politely.

"Would you like a blue milk?" Greedo's father asked.

"…yes…yes I would."

&

Anakin adjusted his robes. "Don't worry, that will come right out if you Shout it."

"AAAAAA!"

"What was that?" Beru asked, her hair a mess. Anakin and her looked up in time to see Owen running back to the speeder, panic filling his features.

&

Several Minutes Ago…

Owen downed another blue milk, eyes crossed as he burped.

"I think I have the phone book right here…" Greedo's mom said, bending down to retrieve it. Greedo grinned, slapping Greedo's father's shoulder.

"Dibs."

'If you were wondering how many blue milks Owen has to drink to make a pass at another man's wife…who has already been dibbed…17 seems to be the magic number."

&

'I spent a whole week watching Greedo, observing him. I noticed that he had a lot of stuff, which would make me trying to make up with him harder. He had a good job as a bounty hunter, a nice house, and a powder blue Le Speeder. However, I noticed he was lonely, which made me realize exactly what he needed.'

"I need to get his blaster polished." Anakin said, entering the farm house.

"I have some blaster polish…" Beru said.

"I mean get him laid…sex."

Owen frowned. "I'm not sleeping with him."

"Oh…I have someone better in mind."

&

Anakin and Owen drove their speeder towards the Senate building, watching everyone leave. "There."

'After Padme, there was only one other woman who was the biggest slut in the galaxy: Mon Montha. She was so easy, she'd slept with droid she thought was Christopher Walken. Innocent mistake, sure…'

"Head Anakin." Mon said, nodding at Owen. "It Owen's birthday again?"

"Nah…we have something else in mind…"

&

Anakin and Owen were seated in their speeder, which was parked outside of Greedo's house, waiting for Mon to do her dirty deed. However, they were shocked when she emerge minutes later, a frown on her face.

"He thanked me for coming then showed me out." Mon complained. "I brought my nipple clamps for nothing!"

"What the hell…" Anakin muttered, storming towards the house and using the force to bust the door down. "Greedo!"

"AAAA!" Greedo screamed in horror.

"Why the hell didn't you sleep with Mon?"

"Uh…Anakin?" Owen called out.

"In a minute."

"I drove her here, bought her breakfast…paid for something called a double ended butt plug…and you don't hit that."

"Anakin…" Owen called out.

"Just tell me…"

"Anakin!" Owen shouted. "You're selling doors to a man that prefers hutts." Owen tossed down the Playhutt magazine, Jabba's nude form on the cover.

'Now…I know this may come as a shock…but I've never met a gay person before.'

"Uh…" Anakin used the force to throw Greedo into the wall, then ran like hell.

'I know now that was wrong.'

&

"That's it, Greedo's off the list." Anakin said as he, Owen and Beru walked back towards the house.

"Why?" Beru asked. "Because he is gay?"

"Yes!" Anakin shouted. "That's like…the WNBA. It doesn't count." He opened the door to the farm house, only to curse when he was hit over the head with a phone. "What the…"

"Who's the whore?" Padme screamed.

Beru's lower lip trembled. "Padme…you know I'm not a whore…we were really friendly when we saw each other that one time…"

"I'm a queen, everyone below me is a whore!"

"Actually, how can you be a queen and have been elected in threw a democratic vote?" Owen asked.

Padme hit him with the phone, knocking him out.

"Padme, stop!" Anakin cried out.

"You left your family, get 100,000 credits, and think you get away like that?"

Anakin's jaw dropped. "You left me!"

"Same difference." Padme stormed towards the door. "I want that money, Anakin…I want it!" She kicked at his speeder, then marched over to her own.

"HEY ANAKIN!" Mace called from Padme's speeder.

"Hey Mace." Anakin said as his ex-wife and her lover drove off. "Ok…so maybe Karma is sending me a message."

&

Greedo entered his house after a long day, ready to finally rest.

However, when he noticed Anakin standing in his hallway…

"AAAAA!"

"Stop that…" Anakin said softly. Greedo continued to scream, though. "Stop…I won't hurt you….stop…I SAID STOP!" Anakin reached out, force choking the alien. "Uh…sorry about that."

Greedo gasped. "What do….do you want."

Anakin shifted nervously. "Uh…the thing is…whydon'tyouhaveaman,Greedo?"

"What?"

"Why don't you have a man?" Anakin finally got out.

Greedo, still scared, decided to be honest. "I'm scared…scared to risk my heart…I mean…I put on a brave front, but I am so wimpy…I don't want to be the submissive one. I just want to be the one in control in one relationship."

Anakin sighed. "I'm not sure how I can help you…"

Greedo's eye lit up.

&

"Why are you clenching your ass cheeks?" Owen asked.

"Greedo's crossed off the list." Anakin whimpered. "And let us never speak of it again."


	2. Episode II Quit Smoking

'You know the kind of guy that turns to the Dark Side and then wonders why his life sucks

'You know the kind of guy that turns to the Dark Side and then wonders why his life sucks? Well, that was me. Everytime though that it looked like I would get something good, something bad would happen. Karma. That's when I realized I needed to change. So I started a list of all the bad things I've done, and one by one I'm going to make them right. I'm just trying to be a better person. My Name is Anakin.'

&

'The tough thing about having a list of over 200 things you've done wrong is deciding which one to do first. I mean, do I start with 73: Always took a penny, never left a penny? Or maybe number 86: Stole a speeder from a one legged girl. Or tackle something on the list that involves my ex-wife Padme?'

&

Padme threw the paper down in front of Mace, pointing a finger at the image of Anakin receiving his one-time paycheck from the Empire. "I can't believe he got that money right after I divorced him…half that money should be mine."

Mace was working out with his robotic arm, grinning as he easily lifted the fridge. "THIS ARM KICKS ASS! I SHOULD THANK ANAKIN FOR CUTTING OFF MY OLD, WEAK ONE."

"Are you listening, Mace? If we had that moment, we wouldn't be living in this trailer park!" Padme looked around the cramp trailer. "I was a queen…I'm use to fine things…I am a fine thing." She reached down, adjusting the tank top she was wearing. "oops, my boob almost popped out."

&

"Why don't you do number 102?" Owen asked, him and Beru walking over to where Anakin sat, sunning himself. "You know…possibly killed hundreds of people with second hand death stick smoke."

Anakin frowned. "Now now…no need to go crazy…I should take this slow."

"Well, you have to pick something. When you moved in with us, you agreed to pull your weight and work on being good. So far, you haven't done anything." Beru complained.

"I fixed the swoop bike."

"That you broke!" Beru shouted.

"Same difference."

Beru snatched the list from Anakin. "I'm going to pick one out for you to do."

Anakin shrugged. "Go ahead…doesn't matter which one…"

"Number 112- Betrayed Obi Wan."

Anakin's eyes widened.

'Obi Wan was my old master. Closest thing to a father I ever had. And just like most sons, when I ended up disagreeing with him, I slaughtered his friends. But you see, that wasn't why I was nervous. I was nervous, because…'

&

MUSTAFAR

Obi Wan swung his lightsaber, cutting off Anakin's limbs.

&

'Obi Wan is crazy.

'And I don't mean just that one time…'

&

5 YEARS AGO

Obi Wan frowned, looking at the empty jar. "Anakin…did you eat the last of the peanut butter and put it in the cupboard?"

Anakin shrugged. "Yeah, I…"

Obi Wan took out his lightsaber and cut off Anakin's foot.

"SON OF A…"

"Don't do that again."

&

'As I said, Obi Wan is crazy. But, if I was really worried about losing my limbs, I should have been focused on Padme.'

&

Padme grumbled as she struggled to get the vacuum to work. Use to having droids clean for her, being a domestic goddess was taking a toil on her. She still had most of her dresses, but had found it too hot in the trailer to wear them. Currently, she was wearing cut off jeans, a tank top made from one of her old gowns, and flip flops.

Screaming in frustration over the vacuum and the wreck that was her life, Padme threw the vacuum into the wall, activating an old holo-projection she had made years ago.

"WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?" Mace asked, taking off his robes to reveal he was wearing a wife beater.

"Shhh." Padme hissed.

"WHAT?"

"I said shhh!"

"OH, OK!" Mace paused. "IS THIS BETTER?"

"Quiet!" Padme ordered as the image of her and Anakin appeared, Anakin struggling to pull on a purple costume.

"Are you sure this will be fun?"

"Of course it will." Holo-Padme told Holo-Anakin. "And I want you to promise that we will watch this again, later."

"I will." Holo-Anakin said. "I know I love you more than the stars in the sky…"

Padme made a wretching sound.

"Will you love me beyond the grip of death?" Holo-Padme said, eyes fluttering.

"Yes, and should that day arise, everything that is mine will be yours…let this tape be a record of that."

Padme grinned. "Oh snap…"

&

'Padme knew that video was my only will. Now, normally Padme isn't violent, but being dirt poor will drive even the kindest person to murder.'

&

Anakin poked his head out the speeder's window, grinning. "I can't believe we are going to the park!" He looked at Beru. "And we get the play Frisbee, right?"

"Yes, I will play Frisbee with you."

Owen frowned, gripping the wheel tight. "You never play Frisbee with me…"

"I'm not really." Beru reminded him. "Remember, we're taking Anakin to Obi Wan's desert home."

"Oh yea…but why are we playing Frisbee then?"

Beru rolled her eyes.

"Wait a minute…" Anakin said, looking about. "This isn't the way to the park…this leads into the desert…"

Owen pulled over towards Obi Wan's hut. "Go on boy, you're free now."

Anakin stared at his stepbrother and sister-in-law as they drove away. "No…no….nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"Anakin?" Obi Wan called out, peering through the crack in the door. "Is that you."

Anakin turned sheepishly. "Yes master, it's…."

BUZZ!

Anakin looked down at his severed right arm. "Son of a…"

&

Inside the hut, Anakin looked around at what Obi Wan had. "Nice place."

"Thank you, Anakin."

Anakin rubbed the back of his head with his good arm, trying to think of a good way to start. "Listen…Obi Wan…what a wild and crazy trip it's been…"

"You sound like you are signing my year book." Obi Wan commented.

Anakin sighed. "Okay…so the thing is…I realized recently that I did a lot of bad things, and that if I want things to get better, I need to make up with all the people I hurt…what I am asking is…will you forgive me."

"Of course."

"I understand…really?"

"The Jedi way teaches forgiveness, Anakin."

Anakin nodded. "I think I remember reading that…"

"I made you write an essay about it." Obi Wan commented.

"The internet wrote that essay." At Obi Wan's stern look, Anakin smiled sheepishly. "It's on the list."

"Well then…come by when you are ready to make up for that."

Anakin smiled. "I will."

'As I walked out of the hut, I knew things were getting better. Because of Beru and Owen's push, I had crossed another thing off my list, and my life was getting…'

Anakin looked down as his left arm was cut off.

'…better.'

"What the…"

"You son of a bitch!" A blonde haired woman shouted as she swung her saber at him.

"Siri? Siri Tachi?!"

'Siri, I had learned a few months ago, had been Obi Wan's Padme…except she didn't sleep with black guys. The two of them had almost run away together, but decided in the end to respect their Jedi vows. Last I heard, Siri had been killed…but apparently, I'd heard wrong…because if she wasn't, then I was in trouble if Force Ghosts had learned how to swing lightsabers.'

"You ruined everything…"

"What are you talking about?" Anakin asked as he dodged her wild swings.

"I was going to convince Obi Wan to marry me when we became knights…then he had to train you…then, you turn to the darkside and Obi Wan is now convinced that marriage equals Sith!" Siri screamed as she tried to cut off Anakin's head.

"I thought you were dead…you were killed while undercover on a drug ship."

"I faked my death so I could plan my newest offensive to win Obi Wan's heart. I was 2 days away…2 days, and you made the grab for power!" She nearly took off Anakin's right leg with a swing. "So now, Obi Wan's commitment-fearing man that won't even think about going on even a DATE with me, and I'm a horny Jedi with a lightsaber who will never get back those lost years!"

"I…I can see how that would be bad…" Anakin said before Siri cut off his legs.

'As I lay on the ground, I realized a few things. First, that I really needed better robotic limbs. The second came when I saw Siri light up a death stick to calm her nerves. Seems she'd become hooked while undercover…and I realized that moment how I could give Siri back those lost years.'

&

Beru and Owen stared in shock at the tied up form of Siri as Anakin struggled to reattach his arms.

"How…how did you manage to tie her up." Beru questioned.

"Don't ask." Siri grumbled.

"Why is she here?" Owen asked. "Are we playing cop and robbers?"

"HEY ANAKIN!" Mace said, entering the hut with a plate of cookies. "I BROUGHT THESE POISON COOKIES!"

"Huh?" Anakin questioned.

"PADME SAID I SHOULD WHISPER THAT LAST PART…MAKE IT MORE SINISTER…DID IT WORK?"

"…yes…yes it did." Anakin paused, glaring at Owen. "He just said those were poison!"

Owen looked at the cookie inches from his tongue. "…how poisoned?"

"Master Windu, help!" Siri shouted.

Mace looked at Siri, then Anakin, then back at Siri, before taking off his shirt. "I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE ARE PLAYING, BUT I AM IN."

&

'After the five-way, I told Siri my plan to get us both off of death sticks. I won't bore you with the details, but lets say I went through 3 boxes of Nicorete, 2 boxes of Kleenex, and 5 spare limbs. But in the end…Siri and I were cured.'

&

Siri smiled as she looked at Obi Wan's hut. "Thank you Anakin. You gave me back those years. Granted, I'll be older…my sink wrinkly and my hair grayer…"

"And your boobs…don't forget your saggy, saggy boobs." Anakin chimed in.

"Yeah…but the point is, you sort of gave me what I asked for…so thank you." Siri patted his arm. Anakin smiled, then grimaced when Siri dug her nails into his skin. "But if you ever hurt Obi Wan again, I will cut off everything that dangles on you…everything."

Anakin nodded dumbly as Siri let go, hurrying to continue her stalking of Obi Wan.

'It was hard, but I managed to cross three things off my list. Hard to image it only took three days. Speaking of taking 3 days to get…'

Padme leveled the blaster she had finally managed to buy with all the stuff she had pawned right at Anakin's head.

"I changed my will, Padme…I die, you get nothing."

"…I hate you." Padme snarled, stomping her foot and heading back to her speeder. "I pawned all my dresses for that gun…now I have to get my hair styled by that Twilik that lives down the street…stupid Anakin…"


	3. Episode III Teacher Anakin

'You know the kind of guy that turns to the Dark Side and then wonders why his life sucks

'You know the kind of guy that turns to the Dark Side and then wonders why his life sucks? Well, that was me. Every time though that it looked like I would get something good, something bad would happen. Karma. That's when I realized I needed to change. So I started a list of all the bad things I've done, and one by one I'm going to make them right. I'm just trying to be a better person. My Name is Anakin.'

&

Anakin picked up a piece of chalk, writing his name on the blackboard. He was dressed in a suede jacket, his hair slicked back and little glasses perched on his nose.

'Some people might be surprised to see me in a classroom. But you shouldn't because I am making up for number 27 on my list…'

Anakin turned to the class. "Now, to find the library, you make a left…can anyone tell me how to get to the library?"

"Roger roger."

Anakin glared at the Battle Droid.

'…destroyed innocent Battle Droids for fun.'

"No…you make a left." Anakin turned to another battle droid. "How about you?"

"Roger roger."

'During the Clone Wars, I destroyed a lot of these guys…and due to my actions, they are all out of jobs, replaced by clones, then decommissioned by the New Republic. So, I decided to try and help them integrate into society.'

'Blast them!"

'This is not going to be easy.'

&

Later, at Mos Espa Cantina, Owen and Anakin were ordering some lunch.

"HEY ANAKIN!"

Anakin waved to Mace. "Hey Mace…what are you doing here?"

"THE BOSS HIRED ME…IT'S GREAT, AS NOW I CAN EARN SOME MONEY FOR PADME!"

Owen nodded. "How is she coping with being poor?"

&

Earlier…

Padme stared at the strange device. "What is this droid?"

"A MICROWAVE! IT MAKES FOOD!"

"oh…" Padme leaned in close. "Make soup!" The Microwave just sat there, and Padme turned, smacking Mace's head. "Great! With all your yelling, you made it deaf!"

&

"NOT WELL!" Mace said, heading back to the kitchen.

"WHOOOOOWEEEEEE!"

Anakin and Owen turned as a wrinkly old man, dressed in dark robes, burst into the cantina.

"Guess who just got paroled!"

&

'Emperor Palpatine. Back in the day, me and him use to be partners…master/apprentice.'

&

Several months ago…

Anakin sipped a beer, his feet propped up on a desk, watching TV. The Emperor entered from the kitchen, nachos in hand.

"What did I miss?" The Emperor asked, sitting down.

"They are in there!"

&

'We had so much fun, we sometimes forgot to leave the scene of a crime.'

&

"Shove the bodies in here!" Anakin shouted, grabbing a dead body and throwing it under the sofa he had been sitting on.

&

Present Day…

"How was prison, Emperor?" Owen asked.

"You know that show OZ?"

"no." Owen said.

"No." Anakin said.

"NO!" Mace said, walking by.

"Oh…well, if you did know it, it would be like that." The Emperor said. "Boy, I could use a drink…I'll get us a round." The Emperor stood up, moving to the bar. Anakin leaned towards Owen, whispering softly.

"Don't tell the Emperor I turned from the Dark Side."

Owen frowned. "Why not?"

"Because I was the Emperor's best apprentice…I don't want him breaking down into a mess if he finds out I'm no longer evil."

&

'That was easier said then done. You see…try as he might, the Emperor likes to do bad things…and that means I have to cover for him.'

&

Anakin sighed as he watched the Emperor steal some snacks from the Gas station they had visited.

"My…name…is…Roger roger."

Anakin's eyes widened as he noticed one of the droids from his class manning the cash register at the gas station.

"Yeah…that's nice…keep it down…"

"My…name…is…Roger roger…"

"Ok, ok…shhh!"

"My…name…is…shhh."

Anakin groaned. "no wonder you lost the war."

&

'Things went from bad to worse as the night wore on. The Emperor stole, hurt people, and I was left trying to make up for it.'

Owen burst into laughter as the Emperor used the force to rip a woman's clothes off.

'And it didn't help that my stepbrother Owen was buying into the Emperor's pranks.'

Anakin walked away from the two of them, giving the woman some money to try and make Karma happy.

It didn't work, as Karma seemed fit to send Anakin a gift in the form of his ex-wife Padme.

"Hey, ass-wipe!" Padme called out. Anakin stared at her, startled. He was use to Padme wearing long dressed and fancy hair styles…not wife beaters, short shorts and flip-slops. "It's bad enough you refuse to give me my cut of your money…but now I have a real bone to pick with you!"

"What now?" Anakin asked.

"You are cutting into my business!"

&

'It seems that Padme got it into her head to get a job, like Mace did. And considering the only things she can do are sleep with guys and paint nails…and she hates working nights…she decided to start her own nail salon. Trouble is, one of the droids from my class got reprogrammed into a beautician-bot, and set up shop right across the street from Padme's salon.

'Padme had decided to handle it calmly.'

&

"I will kill it, Anakin…I swear to God. You stop teaching the robot to do things, or I will hurt it!"

"I need to make up number 27 on my list!"

"You make it up, and I'll have to add something to my list…inserted my foot into that droid's exhaust port!"

"What list?" The Emperor called out.

Anakin closed his eyes. "Padme…don't…"

"His pussy "I'm a good person now, have to make up for the bad things I did and screw Padme over in the Process" list."

"Thanks…just…thanks…" Anakin mumbled.

&

'I sat down with the Emperor, explained karma, my list…everything. At first, it seemed like he wasn't interested. Then I got to the part about the money, and you should have seen his eyes light up. It wasn't like when a child sees Christmas presents, though. No…how should I put this…it was like when a wolf sees a fat little duckling fall into a vat of bbq sauce.

'He took the news that I was rich rather well.'

&

Anakin struggled against the ropes, grunting and pulling against them. The Emperor glared at him as he finished tying Owen up the chair. "Stop struggling, it will undo the knot!"

Anakin stared at him. "I'm trying to do just that!" He struggled a bit harder.

"You are not taking this well at all."

"You hit me in the head with a cheese grater and tied me to a chair! I didn't like it when my ex-wife did that, and I don't like it now!" Owen gurgled, drool pooling from his mouth and onto his chest. "Did…did you drug Owen?"

"…what? No! I found him like that!"

"Stupid blue milk." Anakin muttered as the Emperor walked into the other room. "Why are you doing this, Emperor?"

The Emperor sighed. "Well, Anakin, when you first told me about Karma, it made me think. I've done a lot of bad things. Maybe that's why I only got to be Emperor for a month. I began to wonder, if I made up for my sins…could I have good karma? Then I thought, "Wouldn't it be easier just to steal your money…"

"No one will believe your…" Anakin froze as the Emperor entered, dressed in one of Anakin's black outfits, a blonde wig on his head. "…me."

"Well, I'm off to ruin you…bye Anakin."

Owen blinked as he slowly came out of his stupor. "Ugh…what happened?"

"The emperor screwed us over."

Owen frowned. "We need to think of a way to get out of here…I know…call for karma!"

"What?"

"You know, ask for karma's help. Maybe, just maybe, if you focus on karma, it will come and help you."

"Owen…"

Owen was excited now. "Maybe karma will come to your rescue, you know?"

"Owen…"

"Maybe, if you focus, karma will send those droids you were teaching to save you."

"Owen…"

"You know, it will be a nice wrap up to you teaching them…because you did, they saved us…"

"OWEN!" Anakin roared. "I CAN USE THE FORCE!" Anakin threw the rope aside with ease.

"oh…" Owen paused. "Wait, if you can use the force, why didn't you untie you and Padme when you were captured on Geonosis?"

Anakin rubbed his chin. "I…don't know. Seems like shoddy story telling, doesn't it."

&

'We managed to get to a phone and, much to Owen's delight, I asked the Battle Droids in my class to deal with the Emperor. They drove him off…they might have caught them, but one of the droids was busy…'

&

"Get it through your servos…I didn't burn down the other droid's trailer!" Padme hid the gas can behind her back. "What do you say to that?"

"My…name…is…roger roger."

"…that makes no sense."

"Uh…that does not compute…blast her!"

Padme's eyes widened. "Oh…snap."


	4. Episode IV Broke Padme's Fancy Figurine

'You know the kind of guy that turns to the Dark Side and then wonders why his life sucks

'You know the kind of guy that turns to the Dark Side and then wonders why his life sucks? Well, that was me. Every time though that it looked like I would get something good, something bad would happen. Karma. That's when I realized I needed to change. So I started a list of all the bad things I've done, and one by one I'm going to make them right. I'm just trying to be a better person. My Name is Anakin.'

&

'The one good thing about getting 100,000 credits because you were the Emperor's lackie is that I can now afford the finer things in life.'

Owen looked up at Anakin, face marred with confusion.

"What is this again?" He asked.

"They call it a circumcision. I heard the women love it." Anakin said as the med-droid hovered in. "I'm letting you go first, because I know you want to impress Beru."

"Allow me to make the cut, sir." The droid said.

"Thank you so much Ana….AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

'Of course, there are other troubles to having 100,000 credits beyond accidently castrating your stepbrother. Like having your ex-wife try and steal said credits'

&

Beru watched Padme in amusement, the former senator tearing apart Anakin's room searching for the credits.

"Why won't you give me a hint?"

"Because Anakin is…well, he isn't my friend, but if he was poor, it would make things harder on me."

Padme frowned. "Well…what if I blast you with this?"

"What…Anakin's blow dryer?"

Padme stared down at the dryer. "Well…I could…give you a bad perm?"

Anakin and Owen strolled in at that moment, Owen limping. "Padme…I told you I put the credits in the bank."

"Well, then give me the account info! Your children are starving!"

Anakin frowned. "They aren't my kids, and they wouldn't starve if you just fed them!"

"I don't have the cash to do that…you think this outfit just grew on a tree?"

Anakin sighed. "Padme…you're wearing a grocery bag."

"…I want that money Anakin…I want it!"

Owen groaned as Padme left. "No, you really don't!"

&

'Later that day, I went to Padme's trailer, to try and figure out away to settle all this.'

"You could buy me a hot tub…that would shut me up."

'She wasn't being helpful.'

Anakin held his hands in the air. "I'm not buying you a hot tub!"

"Yes you are! Either that or you deal with me forever." She paused. "Hey, just say you aremaking up for things on your list…that will make you feel better about it."

'Padme did have a good point…there were a lot of things I'd done to her. Like number 153…broke Padme's figurine. That one is actually an interesting story…'

&

3 years ago…

Anakin raised his hand, lifting a small statue of a little girl riding on a gungan's back into the air…before swinging a baseball bat at it.

"Home run!"

&

'Ok…maybe it wasn't a good story. After I decided to make that the nextthing I crossed off my list, I asked Padme where she had gotten that statue so I could buy her another one. She laughed, told me to go down to Boss Nas' Farm Depot, and then stated that if I failed to get the figurine, I owed her a hottub…

'Of course, when I got there, I learned that things would not be as easy. Seems that you could only get one of those ugly little statues by entering the "Mother/Daughter Beauty Pageant" that the gungans held every year.

'Luckily…I had a plan'

&

"Explain to me again why I am in a dress." Owen said.

"Because I needed a daughter to enter into the Mother/Daughter Beauty Pageant." Anakin said, struggling to tighten Owen's girdle.

"Ok…hey, why are you in a dress?"

"Because I am pretending to be your mom."

Owen thought this over. "And why is Beru in a dress?"

Beru frowned. "Because I'm a girl."

"Really? I thought you were some strange troll creature that solved all her problems with blue milk." Owen frowned. "Our entire marriage is built on a lie."

"Its not built on a lie! You knew I was a woman!"

"Don't tell me what I do and do not know!" Owen shouted.

Anakin held up his hands. "Could we fight about Owen's gender confusion later? I need to win a beauty pageant."

Beru frowned, pointing at Anakin's chest. "You are aware your fake breasts are lopsided?"

"They are?" Anakin said, tugging on them. "But, I based them on yours!"

Beru glared at her brother-in-law, Owen quickly pushing Anakin away. "Hey…are my boobs lopsided?"

"You mean the fake ones?" Anakin asked.

"….yeah." Owen said uneasily.

&

'You know, I've never been to a beauty pageant before, but I have to say, it was rather impressive. All the pretty lights and sounds…and they even managed to get a locate Naboo Celebrity to host.'

"Ladies and Gentlemen, the host of the Gungan Mother/Daughter Pageant…Max Rebo!"

The crowd cheered as the famous blue musician (who WASN'T an elephant!) was wheeled onto the stage.

"Mwamwawma!" Max Rebo trumpeted.

The crowd cheered.

"Mwamwamwamwamwa!"

"What did he say?" Owen asked.

"I'm not sure…he either said that we're on next, or that we need to destroy the Chumbawumbas."

Owen frowned. "But I love their chocolate."

"Those are Oompalompas."

"No, that's the guy that torments Superman"

Max waved his hand to introduce the next contestant…

"Padme?"

Padme stepped onto the stage, baby Leia fussing in the baby-bikini Padme had put on her, Padme sporting an only slightly larger version of the swimsuit. Padme waved at the crowd, ignoring as Leia screamed in protest.

"Padme…what the hell are you doing?" Anakin asked as she stepped off stage.

Padme put one hand on her hip. "I'm tryin' to win me another statue. If I get one, you can't cross me off the list, and you have to buy me a hot tub."

"Why is she screaming like that?" Owen asked, watching as Leia howled.

"She's just cranky. We spent all night practicing."

"You can't keep a baby up all night!" Anakin exclaimed.

"Would you calm down?" Padme pulled a bottle from between her breasts. "I'm feeding her plenty of coffee."

"This is wrong on some many levels." Beru muttered.

&

The Talent Competition…

Anakin held up his hand, sending Owen flying through the air with ease. His stepbrother squealed happily, dive bombing the crowd. Of course, Owen ended up costing them points when he got dizzy and threw up on one of the judges.

&

"Come on sweetie…you can do it." Padme said as she set Leia down in front of the Neomian Lion, the baby dressed in a little lion tamer's outfit.

Even though she was a few months old, Leia somehow managed to glare at her mother.

&

The Question Portion…

"Mwamwamwa?"

Owen thought that question over. "uh…We need to attack them, because of the Eastern Middle Eastern peoples of Iraqistan gets the destruction mass weapons, that would be very….not good."

&

"Mwamwamwa…"

"Ask away…I can answer any question." Padme said happily.

"How stupid do you have to be not to realize that your planet's senator is a sith lord?"

"…" Padme grumbled as she stormed off the stage.

&

"mwamwamwa…" Max said, waving at the mothers and their daughters.

"Here we go…" Anakin said, rubbing his hands together. "Hello statue."

"Hello hottub." Padme replied.

"Hello baby." Owen cooed, wiggling his fingers at a still fussing Leia.

"Mwamwamwa!"

"Did he…did he just say what I thought he said?" Anakin said, dumbfounded as they handed the crown over to Tina the Hutt and her daughter Bambi. The 3 adults watched as the slug-like creatures happily slid across the floor, holding up their prize.

Anakin turned to Padme. "So that hottub…3 jets or four?"


End file.
